Have you ever just felt like you didnt belong? Like life just didnt mean for you to be happy? That's how I feel all the time. Don't get me wrong, I can fake a smile. You will probably see me laughing, smiling, or making a joke. I can be really fun. But when I'm all alone in my room, thinking of everything in my life, I know that I'm not truely happy. I cry alot. I'm not suicidal or anything. I believe it's pointless. I have things to live for such as my little brother, my education, my friends, photography career, etc. I want to live a long happy life. I just can't seem to be genuinely happy. Theres my ever-failing love life with my boyfriend, family issues, school stress, people in this world that are so selfish and don't care about other people's feelings. I even have friends who will be so dramatic and vindictive, but when i have the slightest issue, they blow up on me, telling me that i start too much drama. They also take advantage of me all the time because i'm so nice. If they need a dollar, who lends them one? Taime does. Do i ever ask for them to pay me back?
No, but it would be nice of them to offer. Those dollars add up. It's really not even the whole money thing. It's more of them walking all over me, and not caring about my feelings or what i'm going through. I keep it all bottled up until I get to this point where my emotions go haywire, and i can't take it anymore. I obviously don't have many friends I can actually talk to that care. My parents would just think i'm being dramatic. They wouldnt believe that i honestly cry sometimes for no reason at all. They wouldnt believe that I've been like this for quite a while. I doubt they would bring me to get help. So who do I turn to? Basically no one. I mean i have a couple people who listen to me rant and give advice. I know they mean well, but can they actually help by doing so? Not really. Sure I get better for alittle while, but not far into the future i always come back to this point. I hate being at this point. I love who I am as a person. I hate most things about me though. Why can't I be smarter like my best friend? Why can't I be skinnier like most of the girls at school? Why can't I be happy in a relationship like my best friend and her boyfriend? I'm constantly at war with myself, and the worst part is, I can never win. I honestly do need help. I want it. I would love to just scream at everyone who affects my life negatively and get back at them, but obviously I'm better than that. I always try to be the better person. I'm always so nice to everyone. It obviously gets me nowheres. I'm about to be in the real world real soon. I'm going to be a different person. I owe it to myself to change. I owe it to myself to be happy. I don't know where I'm going to find happiness just yet, but I know when I do, It'll be so pure and real. I'll look back, and all of these issues and emotions I'm going through will just be mere memories that I can reflect on and laugh. I will be happy someday. All I need is someone to help find myself and get to that happiness I crave so badly. Will you be my savior? I guess we will see.